JERUSALEM, February 25 — The Middle East awoke this morning to find that all of its long-festering problems have been solved overnight. In a lightning swift move that captured the imagination of the entire world, the Disney organization paid the government of Israel $900 billion to purchase the entire country, from Metullah to Eilat, and from the Mediterranean to the Dead Sea. The country has been renamed Disrael, and the United States was the first country to offer full diplomatic recognition. In a show of unanimity unprecedented since the founding of the United Nations, all member nations followed suit.
    In a related move, the Arab boycott was declared null and void, and Arab countries lined up to purchase 3- and 4-day passes to the world’s largest theme park. (See story below.)
The first privatization of a country in world history, the landmark purchase came as a result of deliberations by the Disney company on how to recover from the disastrous failure of Euro Disney in France. The solution was to sell Euro Disney at a bargain price to the Palestine Liberation Organization. Delighted with the deal, Yasser Arafat immediately declared that Palestinian demands for statehood have now been met. His headquarters will be set up in Sleeping Beauty’s castle in Fantasyland, just outside of Paris. When Disney first revealed its plans to Arafat and to Yitzchak Rabin, Prime Minister of the former Israel, Arafat wanted to send the Israelis to Paris and move his people to Disrael. But when the Disney people explained that all residents of Disrael are now Disney employees and have to be clean shaven and use deodorant, Arafat had second thoughts and decided to move to a place where he would feel more at home. He further expressed delight that he will not have to pay the high cost of moving from Tunis to Jericho, since Paris is much closer.

     JERUSALEM, February 25 — Earth movers are already busy at work to change the shape of Disrael to a Magen David with mouse ears. Landfill will be used to widen the country where necessary.
     The land of Disrael will be divided into sections as shown by the map at left, with each faction being given a section to operate as it pleases. All factions will have equal access to Kiddush Land, in the center of the country. Gaza and the West Bank will become giant parking lots, and shuttle trams will serve as transportation between the sections.
     All of the food in Disrael will be kosher. This has set off a stir in Chiloni Land, but Disney policy is to have all food concessions centrally located in Kiddush Land, and therefore Kashruth will be observed throughout the park. Battle lines are already being drawn to decide which faction will be selected to give a hechsher for the park, and pizza and falafel stores throughout the country are bidding to gain official status.
    Souvenir stores will be plentiful in Disrael. The main store, called "Abraham’s Tent," will sell a new line of T-shirts with expressions such as "I Climbed Jacob’s Ladder," "Night Life’s Dead at the Dead Sea," "I Had Forefathers and Four Mothers," "I Walked a Mile for My Camel in the Judean Desert," "The Ramon Crater is a Hole-y Place," and "Holy Shirt!"