Special to the Kustanowitz Kronikle

     FAIR LAWN, March 2 -- The Jewish world was stunned today by a National Bored of Rabbis announcement that all synagogues in the United States would shut their doors forever, sometime before the end of 1999.
      After centuries of conflict among the various forms of Judaism and the frequent formation of new breakaway synagogues, a combination of technologies has finally resolved the interdenominational bickering and made it possible for all Jews to be satisfied by having their very own synagogues located in an Internet chat room accessed from their home.  
     Because chatting in shul has become commonplace across the religious spectrum, there is already a base of experience for the new concept, and most individuals are not expected to feel any difference. Although many issues divided Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist, Egalitarian, Chabad, Satmar, Young Israel, Aguda, Ashkenaz, Sfard, and many others, the one point that all agreed on was the need for the synagogue to reflect their own personal viewpoint and for all members to follow their mode of observance. As these modes became increasingly fragmented, even within each movement, the only way to achieve harmony was to let each Jew run his or her own shul. 
     Two technological achievements are responsible for making this ancient dream a reality: the universal availability of the Internet and the perfection of voice recognition. As a result, beginning in the year 2000, all Jews will be able to connect to their own chat room on the Internet, and by using voice recognition, each will be president of his or her virtual shul. 
     The replacement of the synagogue will solve many problems: the need for a minyan, separate seating, and the height of a mechitza. Congregants will be spared membership dues, and without a regular weekly kiddush to attend, fitness is expected to reach an all-time high. 
A few thorny issues remain to be settled, and one is why no firm date was announced by the Bored. One issue is the use of the computer microphone on Shabbat.  
     The Reform have no problem with it. Conservatives are expected to accept it, arguing that it is no different from leaving the microphone in their synagogue on before Shabbat. For the Orthodox, it will take some more work, but the need for individual shuls has become so acute in recent years that, with a few possible exceptions, the bulk of Orthodoxy is expected to go along. 
     Another problem is what to do with all the suddenly unemployed rabbis, but with the expansion of Internet use, there should be plenty of jobs available as technical support representatives. Still unsolved is how to find an acceptable substitute for kiddush clubs.

Millennium Bug Found
In Head of Romaine Lettuce
Y2K Problem Solved!

FAIR LAWN, March 2 -- The elusive Millennium Bug, subject of so much discussion and fear on the eve of the year 2000, was finally discovered yesterday in a head of Romaine lettuce.       The infamous bug surfaced in the processing plant of the Bedika Lettuce Company as workers were washing a crate of lettuce for the third time to insure that no unwanted little creatures were present.       For the last few years, Orthodox rabbis have been admonishing congregants to carefully inspect all Romaine lettuce before using it for Passover.       Until now, there was general bewilderment as to why Romaine lettuce was singled out, given the fact that its leaves are fairly smooth. Anyone who buys produce knows that iceberg, Boston, green leaf, red leaf, and radicchio are much harder to inspect, and that spinach provides a wonderful hiding place for the little buggers.        It's now clear what the rabbis suspected all along, that the Millennium Bug had chosen Romaine as its home. By pushing its inspection annually, the rabbis hoped to flush it out without unneccesarily alarming the general public. THE KRONIKLE'S 1999 OSCAR PICKS by Simmy Kustanowitz Kronikle Movie Kritic YOU'VE GOT MALE: A Chabad rebbetzin is overcome with joy when the doctor tells her that, after 12 daughters, she finally has a son. THE TRUMAH SHOW: A man is surreptitiously videotaped every year at harvest time as he separates heave-offerings for the kohanim. OUT OF SIGHT: Sisterhood members refuse to attend services when the rabbi raises the mechitza by a foot, and blocks their view of the goings-on in shul. THE THIN RED LION: Orthodox zoologists discover an acceptable substitute for the elusive Parah Adumah (Red Heifer). PRIMARY COLORS: A Long Island mother sues the caterer who supplied decorations in pastel hues for her son's Bar Mitzvah. PLEASANTVILNA: A nostalgic view of the simple life in a shtetl in Eastern Europe.