JERUSALEM, March 16 — After eight months of deadlocked talks with equally greedy players, the owners of the 28 Major League Baseball teams finally gave up all hope for resuming the sport. In a sweeping agreement engineered by President Bill Clinton and Israeli Prime Minister Yitzchak Rabin, they agreed to sell the empty ball parks to the U. S. government, which will turn them over to the Palestinians to use as the land for their new state.
     All Palestinians from the West Bank will migrate to the United States and be settled in the baseball stadiums around the country. As luck would have it, the population of the West Bank is 1,443,790 and the total capacity of the National League and American League stadiums is 1,431,557. This is almost enough to accommodate every man, woman and child now living on the West Bank. This leaves 12,233 West Bankers, or approximately 436 per stadium without seats, but at least that many are expected to volunteer for jobs as ushers or vendors and therefore will not need seats. Gaza, with a

population of 770,000, is not part of the current settlement, although minor league stadiums affiliated with the major league teams may soon be available for them in the near future.
     Seats will be refurbished to recline like airline seats, providing complete living and sleeping accommodations for the refugees. Palestinians will be confined to the stadiums to which they are assigned, and Israelis in the vicinity will be denied access to the stadiums, thereby achieving complete separation of the populations.     Recreational activity will consist of baseball games day and night, with starting and relief pitchers recruited from the ranks of intifada stone throwers. As part of the settlement, the government will pay each major leaguer his current salary for one year to remain in his own ball park, train the refugees to play their new sport, and teach them the value of teamwork.

THE KRONIKLE’S OSCAR PICKS

PULP FICTION: A riot breaks out in shul when Yom Kippur worshippers realize the orange juice set out to break their fast is not the Tropicana Grovestand promised, but only the plain stuff.

FRUM AND FRUMMER: Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels take turns visiting Jerusalem yeshivot to see who comes back with the biggest, blackest hat.

GRUMPY OLD MEN: The minyan regulars are upset when a Yahrzeit visitor forgets to bring a bottle of schnapps.

NATURAL BORN SPILLERS: The kindergarten crowd wreaks havoc at a simcha kiddush.

FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL: Just an ordinary Sunday for the Rabbi.

Famous Americans to Appear
on 32 Cent Stamp

     WASHINGTON, March 16 — The first of the new 32-cent stamps will go on sale here today. The Post Office is releasing stamps to honor the past and the future. Representing the past in politics and the arts are Richard Nixon and Marilyn Monroe. Simmy Kustanowitz, an up-and-coming young actor, was chosen to represent the future of the acting profession.