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It's
Oscar Time! The Kronikle Presents
ESTHER’S
& SIMMY'S PICKS FOR
THE 2000 ACADEMY AWARDS |
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LORD OF THE RINGS:
Moishe, midtown Manhattan's self-proclaimed "King of the
Diamond District," finally meets his match.
DON’T SAY A WORD: A shul imports a muscular shammes
(Arnold Schwarzenegger) to maintain quiet in the sanctuary in this
moving tale of silence and silencers.
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AM SAM: Shmuli shocks his Haredi parents by announcing
his intent to legally change his name to its secular equivalent.
THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: A
congregation nearly starts a riot when the kiddush following the
fast of Yom Kippur turns out to be leftover cookies and Shop-Rite
orange juice
A BEAUTIFUL MIND: A pushy
grandmother tries to convince various men to date her
not-so-attractive granddaughter.
IN THE BEDROOM:
A gothic tale of horror involving a man who goes overboard buying
truckloads of muffin mixes and matzo farfel for Pesach. When the
pantry overflows, there's only one storage space left...
RIDING IN CARS WITH BOYS: Shaindy (Drew Barrymore) is
a free-spirited student at a co-ed yeshiva whose academic world
begins to crumble around her after she accepts a ride home from a
male classmate.
THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS: Tired of hearing their name sung
annually as a Christmas carol, the Tanenbaums change one letter of
their name and become a royal pain when they insist on changing
the spelling on plaques in the shul and other institutions that
have benefited from their substantial donations.
THE SHEPPING NEWS: A father beams with pride as his
children begin contributing to his family newsletter. |
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FAIR
LAWN, Feb. 26 — Facing a crisis unprecedented since running out of food
products to certify and coming up with a kashrut certification program for
air (see Purim Kronikle, March 23, 1997), the Orthodox Union has decided
to diversify and grant certifications for non-ingested products.
The OU has been experimenting with expansion of
its logo by testing consumer reaction to OU-DE for dairy equipment and OU-FISH
for caviar. Having judged this program a success, the organization will
soon be rating anything that may come in contact with food, such as
tablecloths, napkins, and of course, dishes, pots, pans, and metal and
plastic utensils.
Certified disposable plastic food storage
containers have already reached major supermarket chains and the other
utensils are expected to arrive before Pesach.
By year-end, the certification program will be
extended to clothing. First to appear will be men’s hats with the symbol
OU-HAT to show that the hats meet standards for blackness and brim size.
Because parents are having
a difficult time deciding what books and films to let their children
watch, the OU will soon be issuing the following ratings for these and
other cultural activities.
OU-VAY -
Too much sex or violence
OU-KVETCH - Too much Woody Allen-type nebbish
portrayals
OU-FEH - No redeeming Jewish values
Representatives
of the certification organization have been spotted making inquiries at
Boards of Health in major cities, leading to speculation that next on the
Union's agenda is a program to mark birth certificates with the OU-FFB
symbol to signify "Frum From Birth."
Chumra-of-the-Month
Club Buyers
Make Spectacular Purchase in Kabul |
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Buyers for the
Chumra-of-the-Month Club (COTMC), on a special trip to Kabul, have
made an amazing wholesale buyout of thousands of burkas, left
unsold when the Taliban were chased from their strongholds in
Afghanistan last month.
Some COTMC members, dissatisfied with lenient attitudes of rabbis
who permit women to dress in floor-length long-sleeve dresses, but
with their faces visible to all, are snapping up the burkas as
fast as they can be put on the racks.
With the ante raised to an all-time high, many will find it
difficult to match or exceed these burka-buyers in their show of
religious fervor. |
COTMC
members, looking for "that extra edge," select clothing
for an upcoming wedding.
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DIVERSIFIES; SUPERVISION PLANNED
FOR CLOTHING, LINENS, BOOKS, FILMS