After Easter Cookies, Crab Seasoning,
Water, and Lettuce, What’s Next?

     FAIR LAWN, March 23 — After years of tirelessly pursuing new products to certify as kosher, major kashrut agencies were in disarray today with the revelation that there are no more products left to approve.
     Although the discovery should have been cause for celebration, it has produced a serious crisis because, with no new worlds to conquer, the rabbinic certification specialty has become a dead end for young rabbis seeking a livelihood. Even experienced kashrut inspectors are feeling the pinch of downsizing at the biggest agencies.
     The Jewish community should have seen it coming. After all, when Pillsbury's Christmas, Valentine's, and Easter cookies began to appear bearing the OU, astute observers should have realized that the end was near. But when Konriko's Shrimp, Lobster, and Crab Boil appeared with the OU-Pareve designation, it became obvious that the certifiers were really running out of options.
     The Conference of Presidents of Major Kosher Certification Organizations immediately called an emergency meeting. Asher Oser, a proponent of product line expansion, argued that with the capture of the bottled water market, the only remaining untapped area to pursue was fresh vegetables, heretofore assumed to be implicitly kosher without any certification.
     But Oser was dealt a blow by word that the Canadian Kosher Nostra has already muscled in to U.S. supermarkets with a line of Bodek kosher lettuce and fresh salads. ("No need to check for worms — already manhandled.")
     With no solutions in sight, the conference hastily adopted two resolutions.
1. All water from public water supplies, reservoirs, etc. shall be considered treif due to the presence of bacteria, which are in reality very small animals similar to worms, which are clearly unkosher.
2. Air, the last great frontier for kosher supervision, also shall be considered unfit for shomrei mitzvot unless it is filtered through special OU-certified masks, to be worn at all times.
     The resolutions were adopted unanimously by leaders of the OU, OK , and all the other major certifying organizations. Implementation of the ban on non-kosher air will go into effect as soon as agreement is reached on the filtering material to be used. Because there is no known filter that can remove all bacteria from the air, this could take a very long time.

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INDEPENDENCE DAY: A battle royal breaks out in shul when the chazzan says Hallel on Yom Ha'atzmaut in the face of strong objections from the rabbi.
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: In a Hollywood remake of the Purim story, a clone of Haman captures Mordechai and freezes him in carbonite.
SLEEPERS: The rabbi has his work cut out for him when more than half the congregation falls asleep during a particularly boring Shabbat sermon.
SPACE JAM: A space-shuttle launch is delayed when the first Orthodox Jewish astronaut discovers that grape jam without a hechsher is included in his kosher meal.
EXTREME MEASURES: A rabbi bans the serving of cholent at kiddush until members resume regular daily minyan attendance.
THE MIRRER HAS TWO FACES: The world-famous Mirrer Yeshiva creates a controversy when it dismisses the entire student body and replaces them with clones of the principal and assistant principal.

LAST MAN STANDING: The chazzan at a Ne'ilah service gets carried away and takes so long to finish that one by one the entire congregation, except for the most pious man, finds it necessary to sit before the service is over.
MISHNA IMPOSSIBLE: Yeshiva students rebel when the rebbe gives them a test on a tough tractate that he didn’t cover in class.
PRIVATE PARTS: The moving story of the life of a mohel. (Warning to parents — this movie contains nudity and may be upsetting to small children.)