Purim2004

Special to the Kustanowitz Kronikle

     FAIR LAWN, March 7 — The battle for Jewish votes in the upcoming presidential election took a new turn today with the announcement by the administration that, not to be outdone by Democratic opponents Senator John Kerry and General Wesley Clark, President George W. Bush can also lay claim to Jewish ancestry.
     With a great sense of pride, White House press secretary Scott McClellan disclosed that the President is a descendent of George Herbert Walker Burnard (Burnie) Bush, who was present when God first spoke to Moses in the desert of Midian. Not only was he present, but, according to the Bible, God chose him as his hot line for his dialogue with Moses.
     McClellan cited the bravery of Bush’s progenitor, quoting from the Bible: "... Bush was burning in the fire and ... Bush was not consumed" (Exodus 3:2). "This evidence should prove beyond any doubt that bravery is the hallmark of the Bush family, from its earliest ancestor," he said. "It shows that Bushes have always shown courage under fire, can really take the heat, and never flame out when service to their nation is required, no matter how hot it gets."
     Spokesmen for candidate Kerry were caught off guard by the unexpected inflammatory revelation and were scrambling to further build up their candidate’s Jewish credentials, which suddenly seemed less glowing than the President’s.

Newly discovered photograph shows George W. Bush’s
ancestor Burnie Bush on the scene as God speaks to Moses.

It's Movie Awards Time! The Kronikle Presents:
ESTHER’S & SIMMY'S PICKS
FOR THE 2003 SILVER GRAGGERS

EDITOR'S NOTE: We would like to NOT thank the Academy for announcing this year’s awards before publication of the Purim Kronikle. As a result, we are boycotting the Oscars and establishing our own Silver Gragger awards.

LOST IN TRANSLATION: An argument over whether the meaning of Shir Hashirim is literal or figurative leads a community to reject the text in its entirety.
21 GRAMS: A low-carb dieter’s nightmare, the most fattening hamantash in history, hits supermarkets across the country.
IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY: A brother and sister, both in college, try to explain why they want to become rabbis to their mother, who grew up in a rabbinic household.
2 fast 2 furious: An entire congregation is appalled when the Baal Korei reads each of the seven aliyot in one breath.
WHAT A GIRL WANTS: Documentary film follows a young Modern Orthodox woman as she selects sessions to attend at the JOFA conference.
HOLES: A Bergen County family goes through dozens of boxes of hand shmura matzah, trying unsuccessfully to find three unbroken ones for the seder.
BIG FISH: An observant honeymooning couple spends two weeks in Hawaii, eating nothing but salmon double-wrapped in tin foil.
PIECES OF APRIL: An exhausted woman wakes up the week after Pesach, remembering only snippets from the preceding four weeks.

Mysterious Ancient Artifact Found
During Filming of Mel Gibson Epic

JERUSALEM, March 7 — Archaeologists are puzzled as to the meaning of a mysterious symbol that was discovered here during the filming of Mel Gibson’s "Passion" epic.

Though the film was shot in Italy, a support team has been working in and around Jerusalem during the past year to insure a faithful depiction of locations and accurate portrayals of the customs and practices of the residents of this city around the year 33 C.E.

The discovery of this symbol in the Old City has led to speculation that this stylized fish with the cryptic letters was the dominant symbol of Judaism at that time. It may have been the basis for an adaptation by an emerging new religion whose followers turned it into a popular bumper sticker.